You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man

For all you runners, you’ll think this is hilarious (thank, Thomas, for sharing)

Of Gingerbread Men, Running, and Hubris

by Mark Remy (posted on

Note: In honor of the holiday baking season, today’s post is a retelling of a classic children’s tale, edited for a running audience…

Once upon a time a little old woman and a little old man lived in a cottage. One day the little old woman made a gingerbread man. She gave him currants for eyes and cherries for buttons. She put him in the oven to bake.

The little old woman and little old man were very hungry and wanted to eat the gingerbread man. As soon as he was cooked, the little old woman opened the oven door. The gingerbread man jumped out and ran out of the open window shouting, “Don’t eat me! I’m high in trans fats!”

The little old woman and little old man changed into shorts and technical shirts and frantically rummaged around for their running shoes and then ran after the gingerbread man, who as a barefoot runner had a clear advantage in such situations.

“Stop! Stop!” they yelled. “You’re supposed to run AGAINST traffic!” The gingerbread man did not look back. He ran on saying, “Run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man! And there are no age-group prizes in THIS race! Ha ha!”

Down the lane he sped when he came to a pig. “Stop! Stop! I would like to eat you!” shouted the pig. The gingerbread man, who had been doing Yasso 800’s,was too fast. He ran on saying, “Run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!”

A little further on he met a cow. “Stop! Stop! little man,” called the hungry cow, “I want to eat you.” Again the gingerbread man was too fast. He sped on down the road saying, “Run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man.”

The cow began to chase the gingerbread man along with the pig, and the little old woman, who were running three abreast and annoying all of the other people using the path. But the gingerbread man was too fast for them.

It was not long before the gingerbread man came to a horse. “Stop! Stop!” shouted the horse. “I want to eat you, little man.” But the gingerbread man did not stop. He said, “Run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man. And my little size is actually an asset, horse. You would kill for my running economy.”

The horse joined in the chase. The gingerbread man laughed and laughed, as if he’d just read Mary Remy’s newest running book, until he came to a river. “Oh no!” he cried, “They will catch me. Worse, my plan calls for 12 miles today, and I’m only at 7. How can I cross the river?”

A sly fox came out from behind a tree. “I can help you cross the river,” said the fox. “Jump on to my tail and I will swim across.”

“You won’t eat me, will you?” said the gingerbread man, who was an excellent runner and a decent cyclist but a horrible swimmer, which was the only thing keeping him from trying a triathlon.

“Of course not,” said the fox. “I just want to help.”

The gingerbread man climbed on the fox’s tail. Soon the gingerbread man began to get wet, which freaked him out, since he had an old Garmin that didn’t like moisture. “Climb onto my back,” said the fox. So the gingerbread man did. As he swam the fox said, “You are too heavy. I am tired. Jump onto my nose.” So the gingerbread man did as he was told, although the “too heavy” remark stung, and he made a mental note to cut back on the ice cream and beer for a while.

No sooner had they reached the other side, than the fox tossed the gingerbread man up in the air. He opened his mouth and “Snap!” that was the end of the gingerbread man.

And the moral of this story is: It’s great to be fast, but don’t get all cocky about it, or you might be devoured by a fox.

The End

6 thoughts on “You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man

  1. My team won Saturday’s scavenger hunt. Hell. Yes.
    I won an awesome Star Runners oval bumper sticker. I have sported one of these stickers proudly for a while. Since I don’t need another one, I’m giving it away.
    How do you win? Be the very next person to reply to this blog post and it’s yours.
    No, Star, Keith and maybe not even Trey can win the sticker (we’ll see about Trey). I hope some new folks find the blog. It’s awesome!
    So, holler at me here and win some schwag!

  2. Yay!! love knowing that someone other than keith, trey, and toby read the blog!! Lynda, sounds like you’re the proud new owner of a Star Runners sticker 😉

    • I wanna know how Toby got hooked up with that bitchin’ avatar on here!
      He looks like a transformer met wolverine and had baby toby!

      Mine looks like I took the short bus to the blogosphere!

      • Lynda, I would’ve given you that sweet bumper sticker Saturday but I had not checked back in! I’ll see you soon enough, I’m sure. It’s gonna look great on the bug!

        Trey, this blog has awesome-ness detection software, which determines avatar assignments on levels of awesome-isity. Look it up.

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